How to be a successful woman in the 21st century
If weather permits, wear a beanie. That way you save time by not needing to do your hair at all. You’ll also save time washing it, because no one can see those greasy roots underneath your beanie. Just make sure you don’t take it off.
Winter can also remove the uncomfortable necessity of wearing a bra. Just slip on a comfy knit and no one will be any the wiser. But like the beanie, it's best not to take it off. Even if the room is like 50 degrees, don’t do it. Or at the very least avoid wearing thin white shirts when you do. There is now a cafe where I can no longer look any of the wait staff in the eye because of this very reason. (Well, this and the time I accidentally flooded the toilet and blamed it of the deaf pensioner behind me).
Don’t waste time on writing a useless shopping list to do your groceries. Instead, just wander around aimlessly until your shopping route looks like one of those squiggle drawings they do in preschool. And if you forget what you needed to buy, just stop in the middle of the isle and stare absentmindedly at the ceiling until you remember. I find it helps to replay some funny conversation you had that week in your head and chuckle about it, while remaining completely oblivious to those around you (and trying to get past you)
For amusement, head to the cucumber isle and start picking up and stroking cucumbers while making little comments under your breath like ‘too small’ or ‘a little to bent’. While holding said cucumber, try to catch a fellow shoppers eye (aim for someone old and super conservative) and then wink when they see you.
Don’t waste your time checking you bank balance when it’s low. Just treat it like a game of roulette. Pick a card based on colour and hope you’ve got some money on it.
When cleaning, divide your time between actually cleaning and belting out the soundtrack to Bridget Jones’s Diary. But if someone’s in the house while you’re cleaning, It’s a hard knock life from the Annie soundtrack is the only way to go.
Never lose hope that one day the birds and mice will help you with the chores, just like they do in Disney movies. And rest assures that if they fuck up, you can feed them to one of your cats.
Have a pet geko and be comforted by the fact that he’s eating all the spiders. Mine’s name is Gordon.
I save time in my day by sticking my foot in my mouth early on in a conversation so that person is reluctant to speak to me ever again.
I also find it helps if you forget that person’s name as soon as they tell you. That way, you’ll just appear rude and that person will avoid you from then on.
Only clean your house if someone is coming over. It’s kinda the same principal as workplace harassment – it’s only harassment if someone reports it.
Only buy clothes that don’t require ironing. I can’t even begin to tell you how much time this will save in the future.
Instead of washing your car, just wait til it rains.
Cooking is like following directions on a map. It’s best to ignore the directions and guess the quickest route to the end. This only fails about as often as making up your navigational short-cut on a road trip somewhere you’ve never been.