Man -versus- Machine
Men have long felt threatened by the small, hand-held machine their kind created some decades ago. And so they should, it’s a bloody efficient machine. But it does lack many of the sensual subtleties that can make having sex with a consenting human adult so wonderful. So, to help clarify once and for all which one is superior, man or machine, I have created a long list of pros and cons to settle the argument.
Pro: My vibrator has never snored. Not once. Con: My vibrator can’t make me breakfast. If you had a high enough setting, you could probably use it as an egg beater, but you would still have to get out of bed, crack the egg, etcetera. Pro: My vibrator is pretty. I’m not saying penises are ugly, some of them are, some of them aren’t. But even the ones that aren’t still wouldn’t win in a beauty pageant against my semi-transparent purple vibrator that has white pearls on the inside and a smiley face near the top. I’ve almost considered putting it on the mantel piece. Kidding. But not like the time I did accidently leave it somewhere very public and had to explain to the elderly lady who was visiting from next door that it was a post-modern satirical piece of artwork that made a statement about the blatant sexuality of the 21st century. She was polite enough to pretend she believed me, but every time I saw her after that, she was always enthralled by some newly-discovered weed in her garden, that meant she didn't have to makeg eye contact with me, even when I waved at her and said her name... from two metres away. Con: Vibrators are no good at spooning. Pro: Hypothetically, I would never have to fake it for my vibrator. That being said, I’ve never been one to fake it for a guy. Because quite frankly, if you’re shit, you need to be told you’re shit (in the kindest way possible) and taught what things you can do to be less shit, in order to break the perpetual cycle of shitty sex. Con: Vibrators can’t give back tickles. And man, do I love back tickles. And the skimming of fingers across skin. And having someone play with my hair. But definitely don’t try that last one with your vibrator, because hair sticks to rubber, and that twirl setting it has - will only make matters much worse. And try explaining that o your hair dresser. Pro: Most vibrators are just as waterproof as men. But I wouldn’t recommend taking one to the beach, because you’ll probably get a lot of confused, and frightened, stares and then some jerk will call the police and you’ll have to explain what you were planning on doing with a sexual device on a public beach filled with families. In my experience, the authorities don’t take kindly to the response “It has a smiley face and wanted to get out of the house.” Con: There is nothing that has made me turn Hulk-mad quicker than when my batteries have died close to the crucial moment. Like Mel Gibson if you bring up jews or gays angry. Or that drill sergeant on Full Metal Jacket. He was pretty angry. Pro: Vibrators never have performance anxiety. I imagine the only time they go floppy is if the temperature's above 100 degrees, by which point a human penis would be pretty useless too. Con: Vibrators can’t kiss. Pro: You can pretend your vibrator is an organ attached to your Hemsworth brother of choice. I guess you can probably do this with a guy too, just be careful not to say anything out loud or fun time will be over and you’ll have to sit through three hours of CSI-style interrogation with questions like “Who the hell is Liam?” “Are you cheating on me?” “You really expect me to believe when you said Liam you were referring to Liam Hemsworth?” “Why the hell weren’t you thinking about me?” And so on, and so forth.It's all rather tedious.
Pro: Both are pretty easy to switch on and off, but a vibrator is easier to hide than a fully grown man. Con: Men produce heat, which is useful in winter. Vibrators do not. And if it does, there's something very wrong with it. Pro: You don’t have to worry about a vibrator getting you pregnant or passing on a disease. Con: You generally don’t have to clean men with disinfectant every time you use them. Pro: I know where my vibrator has been. A while back I was seeing a guy, and while the sex was good, I would liken it to using a public toilet. Don’t get me wrong, he was a very handsome, confident and successful man, but he also happened to be a border-line sex addict. And you know how if you haven’t peed in ages, it’s a huge relief to finally sit on a toilet. But sometimes, there’s only one public toilet available, and you know it’s probably not that hygienic because a lot of people would use it. But the only way to relieve yourself of the pressure that’s building up inside is to cover the seat in many protective layers of toilet paper and try not to think about how many people have sat there before you. Yep. That.