Why being Dateless on Valentine's Day isn't such a bad thing
In the last post I shared some of my more awkward encounters with the opposite sex. Here, some wonderful friends and colleagues have been kind enough to share some of their most awkward dates. Just in case you were feeling down about not having a date for Valentine’s Day date, remember, things could be worse. A lot worse.
Tinder trouble: First tinder date (ever) for me, very disappointing. The guy looked nothing like his profile pic, which portrayed him as a whole lot taller (I’m tall, so that matters). It was some kind of professional pic that made him look awesome and wickedly handsome (not the case) but after recognising him and having an awkward realisation I was in too deep to turn and run, I was forced to have a beer with the weird scrawny Englishman who alluded to all things naughty… He suggested dinner and, not entirely sure of ‘Tinder dating etiquette’ I reluctantly agreed. So went for dinner, thinking, at the very least free meal – yay! Air-punch. By this time dinner was over I was more relaxed (three drinks down) and agreed to go for a cocktail around the corner. He suggested that we go halves in the bill – umm ok, still not sure how this Tinder dating thing works, I’m an independent girl, so agreed.
We both walked up to pay, cards in hand, I went first, paid my share, his three cards declined so of course I had to fix up his too as he fumbled with my phone (his had of course died by this stage) to log into his internet banking to check his account, once he’d ‘logged in’ he said ‘Oh that’s what it is, the dentist has withdrawn the $XXX for the broken tooth/jaw/mouth – whatever!! – fanned embarrassment and swore to fix me up ‘next time’.
By this stage had discretely pushed the call button on my phone and pretended it was ringing on silent – picked it up and said, “of course I’ll come and get you honey!” lied blatantly to him (not something I’d usually do but this was becoming increasingly painful) that it was my best friend’s daughter who was 16 and out drunk, needing a lift home to my suburb – it was a great out, proud of my quick thinking actually! I tore off into the night hoping like hell I’d never see him again.
Not the case. Saw him at the original bar another time – just recently, very quickly attempted to avoid eye contact, as any woman with an ounce of dignity would, and forged ahead to the bar, hoping to be served very quickly – I did however manage to catch a glimpse of his face contorted in some weird, painful looking, embarrassed expression as he recognised me.
Conspiracy dating: On ruse I was going to toilet, I fled an expensive restaurant after enduring one hour of my date telling me human life on earth was about to be wiped out because of an alien invasion. He had a bunker on a bush block near Sydney and was putting ‘exceptional women’ in it, to help him repopulate the world after the aliens left.
It was a real shame. He was the most gorgeous guy I’d ever gone out with. I considered a one-night stand up until he said he wanted me in his harem. If so, he said, he and his girls could help me pack – after all, I only had a small flat (how the fuck did he know where I lived?!?)
He was very earnest. It was no joke – or if it was it was the longest, least-funny, what-kind-of-fucking-punchline-can-this-end-with joke I’d ever heard.
Coffee cuffufle: I was under the impression it was a date. He was under the impression it was just two friends catching up. Awkward, and kinda sad.
Emergency ward: I get the most awkward date ever award. It basically involves a cocktail of Sudafed, a small amount of alcohol and coffee, and a trip to the emergency ward of a London hospital with an asthma attack. I actually think I might have had SARS. And it got even worse from there. There’s no catching taxis across to the other side of London at 3am unless you have a few hundred pounds to spare.
One too many: Gee. So many. But I went on a date in London and the guy, who turned out to be a bit of a jerk, brought his friend. I wasnt sure what this meant but I suspected it might be for a menage a trois. When I went to the bathroom, I climbed out the window and walked hurriedly in the other direction until I was well clear of the pub!!!
Would love to hear about more awkward dates in the comments section below!