“No, I’m not using Tinder, I will never use Tinder. Gross,” I stubbornly tell a friend who suggests I try the modern dating app. “C’mon everyone’s doing it,” he says. “All my friends are on Tinder. How else do you meet people?” “It will just happen when it’s supposed to,” I say defiantly. “And how’s that working out for you?” he says.
The man has a point. I haven’t had sex in eight months. I’m not even sure I remembered how to have sex. I mean, I vaguely remember the mechanics…. Something about a bathtub and an inflatable duck?...
Flash forward a few weeks and it turns out my promise to ‘never use Tinder’ is as good as my vow ‘never to single-handedly eat an entire 1 litre tub of ice-cream’.
For any woman who still has her Tinder virginity, let me sum the experience up for you.
The Tinder thought process:
- Your beard looks like you shaved all of your friend's pubes and stuck them to your face. Gross. Swipe left.
- Your beard is also gross. Swipe left.
- Why the hell are beards are thing? Swipe left.
- Were you drunk when you decided it was a good idea to get a tribal tramp-stamp tattoo? OMG I think it’s a tribal butterfly…. Swipe left.
- Hey, I know you… and your girlfriend! You dirty rat. I hope she finds out. Swipe left.
- You’re kind of cute… hang on… why are there so many pictures of you at a wedding on your Instagram account? Oh… wait…. You’re married. Swipe left.
- That’s not you. That’s a photo of Liam Hemsworth. You are not Liam Hemsworth. Swipe left.
- Wearing a singlet that looks like it’s never been washed with your hat back the front while holding up a rum and coke can. Looks like you don’t need any help figuring out what women want. Swipe left.
- I wonder if there is any scientific proof of a correlation between increased ab definition and decreased brain activity. Swipe left… then again…. He does have nice abs. What the hell, it’s been eight months. Swipe right.
- Why the hell are your kids in your Tinder profile picture?!?! Swipe left.
- At what low point in a man’s life does turning to roids seems like a good idea? Swipe left.
- Haha this guy sounds funny… oh no wait… I think he’s being serious. Awkward. Swipe left.
- I don’t know what part of this picture makes me want to swipe left first. Is it the sunglasses inside? The VB can you’re toasting the ceiling fan with? The tribal tattoo on your pasty, roided-up arm? Or the spaghetti-string singlet you’re wearing to show off your nipples? I know…. swipe left.
- Hey, I know that guy from work! He’s even creepier on here… swipe left.
- Please, show me more photos of you taking a selfie while flexing your biceps in the gym bathroom mirror. Swipe left.
- There’s two men in this photo. I’m going to assume you’re the not-hot one. Swipe left.
- ‘Being inspired by the muse’ is not a job. Swipe left.
- Neither is eating organic tofu, surfing or going to yoga classes. Get a job! Also, swipe left.
- If the adjective bland had a human face, yours would be it. Swipe left.
-There is absolutely no way you are 28. Maybe two decades ago you were 28. Maybe your son is 28. But you most certainly are not, wrinkle face. Swipe left.
- You look familiar. I’m pretty sure I wrote an article about you breaching your AVO last week…. Swipe left.
- You look like a straight-out serial killer. Swipe left.
- I’m pretty sure that’s our Member for Parliament. Swipe left.
- Dad, what the hell are you doing on here?!?! (vomit in mouth).
(I didn’t personally experience all of the above using Tinder, however, I’m sure someone has so I decided to include them).