What to expect when you're not expecting (because you haven't had sex in a Really Long time)
Ever wondered if you still remember how to have sex? I mean, like really wondered. Like mentally played through a scenario and second guessed yourself on a few of the steps. Thinking, isn't there usually a rubber chicken involved? I’m pretty sure there’s a rubber chicken involved. Yep, I’m almost certain the last time I had sex there was a rubber chicken. And a bathtub... Wait... I don’t even have a bathtub. That can’t be right. How long’s it been again?
For those of you who are privileged (or desperate) enough to have never experienced a serious sex drought, let me fill you in. The first two months of celibacy aren’t too bad. You can still remember, fairly vividly, the last time you had sex. And let’s be honest, the clock doesn’t really start until after you get your first post-sex period which confirms you’re definitely out of the woods pregnancy wise. (No matter how much care is taken, there’s always a sigh of relief when you know you're definitely definitely not pregnant).
Months 2-4 are by far the worst. You can still remember the last time you had sex - and how good it was - but it’s been a bloody long time. You start to wonder whether you’ll ever have sex again. Every even moderately attractive man you see you’ll start picturing naked (with his head between your thighs). Picture the lioness in the cage, pacing back and forth, glancing up every now and then at the big, juicy prey, standing there all oblivious on the other side of the glass. That. For eight weeks. Enjoy. (I would highly recommend taking up a physically demanding sport).
Once you pass the four-month mark you’re in the clear. More or less. You remember that sex was this activity you used to enjoy doing, and you can vaguely remember the mechanics, but it’s been so long it all seems rather irrelevant. You’ll find a hobby, like writing, crocheting, stalking hot guys you've never met, that will keep you preoccupied.
Eventually, there will come a day when you have sex again. Hallelujah. For rest assured, there aren’t 7 billion people on our planet because humans don’t like sex and aren’t good at sniffing it out. The bad news is, when you do finally have sex again, it won’t be as good as you remember. That’s because you would have spent the past weeks, months, years, building it up to be some magnificent crescendo of pleasure, when the reality is, sex the first time is usually pretty average. Average and awkward.
It takes time to get over being nervous and learn what the other person likes, let them discover what you like, and figure out what ways your bodies compliment each other.
In the meantime I would highly recommend getting a hot water bottle (for those cold winter nights), a big bottle of wine (for that much needed emotional support) and a good quality vibrator with rechargeable batteries (for your stress levels and sanity).